I sit down every now and again on the muted blue couch in my messy apartment, and I place the guitar on my lap. “Let’s watch a movie,” my boyfriend suggested. There was a time in which I composed sixty-two songs within a calendar year. I haven’t written in a while because, well – life happened. I had known what it felt like to sleep all day and feel hopeless about my existence. Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. I went from being the girl who drove up the California coast to the person who could not drive over a bridge. I’m anxious.” I tried to explain the difference to him. I'm supposed to be writing a book review for class that's due tomorrow. When the anxiety got so bad that I thought it was a heart attack, I marched myself into the doctor’s office. A Step-by-Step Guide to Staying the Course in the Wilderness of Suffering. He was a musician, following in the footsteps of his father, Dan’s grandfather, Rex. I think as a society, we have yet to fully comprehend that if we are receiving someone’s gifts in the form of music or writing, or acting, that underneath it all, likely, there is pain and possible mental health rumblings. Recently, I was watching Kanye West speak to David Letterman on Netflix, regarding his diagnosis with Bi-polar disorder. p.s : If any of y’all want to learn Korean, pop on over to @kpoppwriter, she’s been posting lessons on her blog and I’m so proud of her. I am no longer angry at the drug companies, and the doctors, and myself. . For some reason, this decision seemed like a very important one. I discussed all of this with my then boyfriend of one year, and he was supportive and non-judgemental. I was assured this was a five to ten-pound difference and nothing to write home about. Bandcamp New & Notable Nov 11, 2020, Bandcamp Daily  your guide to the world of Bandcamp, On “Come and See,” Mamaleek Make Avant-Garde Black Metal Uncomfortably Human, An All-Caps Chat With the Band Behind “White Nationalism Is for Basement Dwelling Losers”, cktrl talks about heartbreak and his new record 'Robyn'. He said very little to me, if anything, about side effects. Within the year, I stopped picking up the guitar. Meanwhile, the funny thing was that my anxiety had relented. Then, there was a more subtle change. When I picked up the medication at the drug store, I don’t recall anything much different. “If I take the medicine, will I gain weight?” This was one of the first questions that I bombarded my doctor with. I am grateful though that I feel something when I play. I am thirty-three now. It’s not an excuse, but it’s a reason. I would say that a lot has happened since the last time I wrote but that's only half true. ~ A/N : I haven’t written in a while, but I’m super inspired. The desire to write or play music began to fade away. Physical symptoms manifested in so many ways that I could not keep up with them. I am still to this day, battling what is leftover, after being off of the medication for over six years. Spira is a one man black metal project out of the Santa Rosa Circle. I hum over the chord progression. I strum for a little while. This was different. Those were the days of heartbreak and anxiety, and the absolute absence of being able to envision what my future looked like. That’s the thing about SSRIs, the changes that seem large, or would have appeared large prior to being on the medicine, now were simply subtle. Everything was dulled down some.” I bit my lip and looked out at the pond in their front yard. “Whatever you choose to do is fine with me.” It took me almost ten months to finalize my decision, but as my anxiety progressed and deepened, I felt as if I had no other choice. There wasn’t much objectivity to be found in the SSRI world, but the one factual aspect that I could ascertain was that everyone’s experiences were different. The first thing I noticed on the drug, was that I was gaining weight. While I was writing this, I was listening to Jenna and Julien’s new podcast (btw listening to podcasts while you write is a great writers tip - I’ll give y’all some more if you want). I have always had a reputation for being impulsive. We do not all require sameness to exist in the same place. ~ A/N : I haven’t written in a while, but I’m super inspired. Then there was the lump in the throat and the constant worry about what it could potentially be. Streaming + Download . I hum over the chord… I haven’t written a song in years. It’s really reassuring and I hope this brings others back into the swing of things too. I haven’t written a song in years. from Zodiac by Spira / Digital Track. I was big boned, a solid 160 pounds. I was sitting on the ever uncomfortable table, white paper crunching beneath my body. I strum for a little while. Heir Of Ecliptical Romanticismby Lamp Of Murmuur, Eagle, Quetzal, and Condor (NP-XII)by Ixachitlan, Master Boot Record's latest collection of industrial techno tracks flirts with chiptune and black metal, and offers some secret surprises. My body was no longer under my control, and no amount of caffeine could arouse me from the inevitable slumber. Up until that moment in my life, I had never considered any decision for as long as I had considered the choice to take SSRIs.

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